Wednesday, March 12, 2008

NGR shite weather bike packin'

Roadtrippin Naked Wrap Job!

Should you find yourself in the unenviable position of having to put your beloved steed on the roof rack on the heels of a proper Ottawa snow storm for a 16hr road trip you'll be faced with a difficult problem to solve. That is how to keep the dreaded salt monsters from invading all the nooks and crannys of your bike so that when you and steed arrive at destination all will be well and said steed may be gently lowered from it's lofty perch, front wheel, seat, pedals carefully installed, and the seasons first ride may proceed to the soundtrack of angels singing and cerubs plucking harps.

What you don't want is the demons of salt and road grime to march their corrosive little selves into pivots, bushings, bearings etc threatening to turn thousands of dollars of blingtastic uber bike into rotting old swiss cheese. ..goes without saying eh?, if it goes without saying, why did I just say it?? ..cause this is a blog and thats what we do here. Say shit. cause lets face it, if you've read this far you clearly don't have anything pressing to do and as such have effectively disqualified yourself from having any cause to complain about my tangential ramblings.

so, back to problem at hand. Bike on roof. Salt on roads. = much sadness and anxiety.
clearly there are limited options. dipping the bike in wax would work but heating up that much wax would not be easy and probably lead to a distinctive odor in the house and a sasquatch-esque carbon footprint from the energy spent to melt it. Not to mention the wife wouldn't much like what it'd do to the bath tub and it would certainly lead to some problems come ride time like hanging onto candlesticks instead of handlebars on a fast downhill. Thus, wax was deemed unacceptably risky.

Spraying down the bike with silicon spray, pam, diesel oil or similar. Abandoned for various reasons. Aerosol = larger carbon footprint and we're just not down with that kinda thing. Diesel is gross, I was not even remotely serious about that, Not to mention the 'ride time problems'. Riding a bike that smells like a train wreck or a greasy spoons' exhaust fan. yeah, that plan got shelved like fast..

but wait, whats that??? It's a faint flicker of light over my head. An idea. possibly even a good one! (or at least much better than diesel oil. That was dumb) What's the idea you ask?

Saran Wrap.

or to be more accurate. Industrial strength stretch wrap. Thats right kids it's a full body condom for your bike. Guaranteed* to protect your bike from salt, wind, rain, prying eyes, alien invaders, (er, scratch that, I was thinking tin-foil for a moment) and customs inspectors (I very much hope). Furthermore, its sexy! It's like a translucent BDSM outfit for your ride! It's even "Aero"!! Shit, if the cranks werent' bound up like a Guantanamo Bay guest it'd be a full on time trial rig! I could do triathalons an all sorts. ..but I wouldn't do tri's cause you know, there, well.. tri's..

so without further ado, I present the wrap job that would make Spiderman jealous and 'bike bras' obsolete. You may be asking "my god! whats will come out of that beautifull cocoon?
Will it be a butterfly?
Will it be a Bee??"
Nope. Better still it'll float like a butterfly and sting like a bee! ..MTB NGR style of course..

Anyway, should you find yourself in need of such a wrap job, there are stations in most airports that will wrap up luggage and presumably bikes also, though it's not an easy thing to hold a bike down and pull tight the wrap. (Assistants are necessary) but it may very well be worth it. Doubly so this time of year.

..and thats a wrap..

* no guarantee stated or implied despite what might appear otherwise. Participants will freely absolve author of any and all untoward ramification real or imagined including but not limited to burned retinas..


the original big ring said...

bout fugging time you got your gear off.
still . . . it's dreadfully disturbing to see you all contorted around that plastic present waiting to be unwrapped in warmer climates.
Shite - my eyes, they burn.

LennyG said...

Ummm, Declan doesn't surf yet does he?

Tobin said...

Oh man, you know, I think this site just took a dive! ;-)
Good to play safe!

Peter M said...

Where are the rectangles! At least I had a strategically placed seatpost.

And does 17 feet of saran wrap have a smaller carbon footprint than aerosol?